by Jane St. Clair
If you live in Arizona or any other hot Southwestern state, you may own a swimming pool, and your chances are very good that one of these days a lizard will fall into it. As a matter of swimming pool safety, it is your duty to learn how to resuscitate a lizard.
Lizards in Arizona don’t do much except stand around and sun themselves all day long, and do their little push-up things.
However, occasionally lizards get energetic and fall into swimming pools.
When this happens, and it will definitely happen to you, you need to know how to resuscitate friend-lizard. First, put on your SCUBA outfit, dive heroically into the pool, and pull him out. Then hold him by his tail and shake him until all the water comes out of his little mouth.
If friend-lizard is still not breathing, you will need to do chest CPR or Cardio Pulmonary Resuscitation. Place the poor little thing on his little lizard back, and stick your fingers on either side of his little rib cage. Gently press with your fingers until more water spurts out of his mouth and he is breathing again.
If friend-lizard is still comatose, you will need to do mouth-to-mouth resuscitation. Yes –you do too need to do this, and you will do it because it’s the kiss of life, and after all, this is a fellow creature. Albert Schweitzer taught reverence for life and now is the time to practice it.
With a little luck, your lizard will turn into a handsome prince and POUF! ….
…. You’ll be set for life.
More likely your lizard friend will wake up terrified of you and jump back into the pool. In this worst-case scenario, you have to repeat all the above steps one more time or into infinity, as lizards never learn their lessons.
No lizards were hurt in the production of this public service message.
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Update: By the way, true story! — someone did resuscitate a drowning lizard. See Drowning Lizard gets CPR. See, this website has practical uses. Update: After this post appeared, I heard from a lizard expert in Australia. You really can do this but do it this way.
Ralph Waldo Emerson said, “Be silly. Be honest. Be kind.”