Barbie and the Battle of the Bratz

There is nothing more annoying than a younger sexier sister trying to take your place as reigning Queen of Hoochie.

For years, everyone’s wanted to be like Barbie Millicent Robbins or her boyfriend Ken Carson. Barbie is drop-dead gorgeous, a fabulous-looking California blonde with the vital statistics of 5 ft. 7, 110 pounds and 39-17-33. She has a closet that never stops, drives a pink Porshe and lives in a pink penthouse, although lately she’s been alternating between the penthouse, the 3-story dream house and her fantasy diamond castle with Cinderella carriage and Diamond Glitter horses parked in front. She has served our country as a physician, fairy princess, astronaut, NASCAR driver, mermaid, teenage fashion model, disc jockey, and bride. She ran for President long before First Lady Hilliary Clinton tried to be President Hilliary Clinton.

Barbie is so admired that you can actually buy a model of her head and play with her hair.

Whenever things get little stale, she always tops herself with a new move. For example,  when everyone thought she was getting too good for them, she became a pet doctor with interactive chocolate labs. Just when everyone realized she is much too good for the boring Ken, she dumped him to fly solo.

And Barbie made the ultimate sacrifice to stay au courant–

Just when everyone thought she was too beautiful and perfect to be a model for young girls, BARBIE GOT FAT!

How cool was that!!!!

How much courage did that take??

But now! horrible, devastating news!

Now comes the BRATZ PACK!

Younger!

Hipper!

Hoochier!

And what’s worse: thinner!

Their faces are so perfect they do not even have noses!

Yasmin, Chloe, Yasmin, Sasha and Jade just burst from their boxes out of nowhere, pushing Barbie off the charts. Their Bratz the Movie made almost $20 million, so who cares if the Chicago Tribune calls it “the most horrifying movie ever made?” Who cares if the American Psychological Association says the Bratz are a bad influence because of their “sexualised clothing such as miniskirts, fishnet stockings, and feather boas”? It’s as if Lindsay Lohan and Paris Hilton arrived on the scene and America’s Sweetheart fell off her pink throne and into the Potomac. (By the way, where is Julia Roberts these days?)

But does our spunky sweetheart take this lying down?

To be sure–! There may be a few pink tears into her lacy pink hankie and fluffy pink pillow –

But then –! Barbie does the all-American thing! She hires a lawyer! How patriotic and perfect is that??

Sobbing before a hushed courtroom in a better performance than OJ’s Emmy-nominated gig in Vegas, Barbie tells her story. Before you can buy another Barbie accessory at Wal-Mart, the sympathetic judge rules that all the Bratz must be melted down into plastic hunks! The little frauds are so over! So fifteen minutes ago! The fates of the Bratz Babyz, the Bratz Kidz, the Bratz Petz, the Bratz Boyz and the Bratz Ponyz are still unknown.

The verdict comes just in time for holiday-themed Barbie.

No anime little Bratz is going to take the place of our girl. Barbie has proven she is a woman of steel (and if you want to buy the Barbie As WonderWoman or the Barbie SuperGirl dolls, they’re on sale this season too.)

Take that, you Bratz.

Now, can she bail out GM?